Area Hamlet Enters Eleventh Minute Considering Purchase

Area Hamlet Enters Eleventh Minute Considering Purchase

Jewel Osco-

We promise the overused “to pee or not to pee” line will not be mentioned from this point forward. My apologies to our readers that this even had to be written.

Area Hamlet Enters Eleventh Minute Considering Purchase
A fickle Hamlet holding a roll of TP in an outstretched hand.

While many shoppers are getting in and out of the grocery store with tactical precision, Chicago’s own Hamlet has been standing dead center of the paper goods aisle weighing the pros and cons of purchasing a single roll of toilet paper. He’s been doing this for almost a quarter of an hour. “I am pigeon-livered and lack gall,” Hamlet was said to be muttering under his breath as he gazed deeply into the roll of Charmin Ultra Soft. It was clear to those around Hamlet that he still had some issues he needed to sort out.

Minutes passed and so did the patrons of the Jewel Osco supermarket. Shoppers bobbed, weaved, ducked, and dove in efforts to avoid the cloak wearing man’s outstretched arm. There seemed to be moments where Mr. Hamlet, no last name given, was ready to pull the trigger and purchase the toilet paper. However, he seemed to dip back into a complicated inner monologue, judging by his facial expressions.

Time had passed, and so had Hamlet’s opportunity. While toying with the idea of purchasing toilet paper, customers had slowly but surely cleared out the aisle of its stock. Name brands went first, and eventually, a one-ply sandpaper-like product was all that remained.

A frail-looking man in a large coat asked, “Are you going to buy that sir?”. Stymied, Hamlet couldn’t decide which words to respond to the older man fast enough. Before Hamlet knew it the old man had plucked the roll from between his paws and shuffled off.

Spending so much time thinking about what decision to make, Hamlet’s very ability to make a choice was stripped from him.

It wasn’t too much later that Hamlet made his way to the hand soap section where he fell ill. That the old man, who had taken the last roll of toilet paper, had slipped some poison onto Hamlet’s forearm. The old man was, of course, an area Claudius who had been growing restless from all this isolation and just wanted to get out and murder for his own personal gain again.

-A Well-Mannered Scholar

You don't have permission to register