Lady Macbeth’s 5 Must-Know Hand Washing Tips
Out, damned GERM! Out, I say!
If you’ve been on the internet for a single minute in the past month you’ve come across some sort of infographic or instructional video attempting to educate you on the proper way to wash your hands. Please, take every bit of information you’ve consumed on this matter thus far with a grain of salt. Sure X Instagram model and Y lifestyle blogger may have downloaded Adobe InDesign and put a graphic together but, what makes them any more knowledgeable on the complicated subject of hand washing than your average Joe?
We are very happy to welcome, the most notable historical hand-washer of all time, with perhaps the exception of one Mr. Pontius Pilate to be our guest blogger for the day. Put your hands together for Lady Macbeth’s 5 bloody good hand washing tips!
Lady Macbeth holding a bar of soap while sleepwalking.
5 BLOODY GOOD HAND WASHING TIPS!
1. MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A REASON TO WASH YOUR HANDS
Folks, no one ever does anything without a reason. You may think keeping yourself and those around you safe and healthy is reason enough but, if that is the case, then you aren’t taking this seriously enough. If you’re at all worried about your ability to follow through with what may be the best of intentions, murder someone.
2. SUPPRESS ANY GUILT YOU DEVELOP POST-MURDER
I understand that this may be many of your first homicides so it’ll be important to not let the fact that you took someone’s life away from the reality that you’re doing this to save lives. So bury any stigma society has conditioned you to believe in about those who opt to murder in cold blood.
3. BE SURE TO WASH UNDER THE FINGERNAILS, THAT’S WHERE THE BLOOD LIKES TO CAKE UP REAL GOOD
At this point, you’ve put yourself in a position for success. The urge to not be convicted of manslaughter now greatly outweighs the inconvenience that is taking 30 seconds out of your day to wash your hands. Good job! Now be sure not to miss all that dried blood under your fingernails! You know, the dried blood of the person whose life you just took.
4. QUESTION THE RELATIONSHIP THAT EXISTS BETWEEN GENDER AND POWER
Perhaps throughout this process, your mind wandered. Your eyes have been further opened to the oddity that is the seemingly accepted idea that the mettle of a woman is oftentimes weighed down by societal expectations. Regardless of the gender identity of the reader, we can’t imagine it didn’t cross your mind.
5. DON’T FALL ASLEEP
I can not stress this point enough. You never know what you may do or confess to in your sleep.
-A Well-Mannered Scholar